


Hoot's Line Is It, Anyway?

by meowloudly15



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Author Cameo, Chaos, Comedy, Gen, Gets meta at times, Humor, I wrote this all entirely spur-of-the-moment for that true improv flair, Improv, pop-culture references, there's some fairly low-key Lumity in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:08:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26503423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowloudly15/pseuds/meowloudly15
Summary: Gus hosts an improv comedy show at The Owl House! Post-S1. Contains your recommended daily dose of utter chaos and a dash (or three) of Lumity. Part of a complete breakfast. Rated K plus for general skulduggery.
Relationships: Amity Blight/Luz Noceda
Comments: 21
Kudos: 125





	1. Ottawa Freestyle, Scenes from a Hat, & My Movie

**Author's Note:**

> James, this is your fault.
> 
> Will update daily.

A makeshift stage has been set up in the living room of the Owl House. Thirty or so people fill the assorted folding chairs and couch cushions that take up the extra space. There’s a folding table left of the front door, bearing assorted drinks and cookies. A Mason jar containing a handful of cash sits at the end of the table. The sign attached to it says, “Please give us money so the Emperor doesn’t arrest us!”

A podium stands at the front right corner of the stage. There are four bar stools along the rear, each supporting a slip of paper. The lights are dim, and the room is filled with murmurs.

A young, sharply-dressed witch walks out of the kitchen and steps up to the podium. He draws a circle in the air, and a ball of blue light appears over his head, acting as a spotlight.

The boy clears his throat and cracks his knuckles. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and those who don’t fit those categories! My name is Gus Porter, and I’d like to welcome you to Hoot’s Line Is It, Anyway?: a show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter! Yes, the points are like the Grom King at Hexside!”

There’s a smattering of laughter, mostly from the younger spectators. Gus waits for it to subside before continuing.

“This is improvisational comedy; everything’s made up on the spot. We have no scripts –” he shuffles a stack of cue cards, prompting another laugh – “but we will be taking suggestions from the audience!

“And now to introduce our prisoners – sorry, our contestants!” Gus signals to someone in the kitchen. “First off: you know her, you love her, you know you love her, our resident Most Wanted Witch in the Boiling Isles, leader of the unofficial Bad Girls Coven: Eda Clawthorne, the Owl Lady!”

Eda struts on stage to exuberant cheering. She lights up the light glyph on her stool, then bows with a flourish and takes a seat.

“Secondly: she’s the only human ever known to practice magic, the raddest gal with, um…” Gus has to stop and think for a second. “Uh, she doesn’t have that much to distinguish herself other than being a human… anyway, please welcome, Luz Noceda, the Human!”

Luz bounds on stage, waves to the applauding crowd, lights up her glyph, and sits down. She whispers something to Eda, who claps her on the shoulder.

“Third: don’t let his small size fool you, he is a beast to be feared! And a beast with a mic, too! Please welcome: the King of Demons!”

As King steps on stage, he’s met with a chorus of “Aww”s. He runs to the front of the stage. “Don’t you patronize me!” he yells. He’s met with more fawning and some laughter. Frustrated, King climbs onto his stool and lights up the glyph.

“Last but not least: Hexside’s Student of the Lunar Cycle for the past three lunar cycles, the Grom Queen herself: Amity Blight!”

Amity slouches on stage and sits down with a huff, despite the applause.

Gus adds in a conspiratorial stage whisper, “She lost a bet.” There’s some laughter.

“Anyway, before we begin, I’d like to thank our in-house bouncers and security guards: Hooty the Owl–”

There’s a muffled “Hoot hoot! You’re welcome!” from outside.

“–and Lilith Clawthorne!”

There’s some indistinct cursing.

Gus continues, “To start our show, we’re going to be playing a little game called Ottawa Freestyle! One of you audience members will give our contestants a word, and then they have to act out scenes based on that word! Now, can I get a word?”

Someone yells, “Cast!”

“All right,” says Gus, “the word is cast!” He pulls out a small buzzer with a mouth on it from under the podium. “If you guys want to start a new scene, come over here and hit this buzzer.” He gives it a press. The mouth lets out a loud _AAAAAH!_ “Scene in!”

The contestants stand up, join hands, and bow while saying, “Cast.”

King sashays to the front of the stage, speaking in an effeminate voice. “All right, darlings, this play is going to knock everyone’s socks off. I have of course picked only the most faaabulous cast for the performance.”

Eda and Luz line up. Amity joins them halfheartedly. Luz says in a monotone, “Yes. Yes. I am a very good actor.”

Eda stares straight ahead, her face blank. “Yes. We are. The best actors. Our vocal range. Broad. We are good at this.”

King claps his hands together. “Wonderful, wonderful!” He gestures to Amity with a limp wrist. “Show me that range of emotion, Justin!”

Amity blinks. “Oh. Uh. Yes. I am very sad. Extremely so. You can tell. It is obvious.” She looks bored.

King applauds. “Bravo, bravo! Now, Arthur –” he points at Eda – “show me your most magnificent death scene!”

Eda blinks. “Oh no. I have been stabbed.” She keels over backwards, still as a statue, and hits the floor. Gus laughs.

Luz nudges Amity and whispers something into her ear. She nods. Luz runs over and hits the buzzer as the other contestants retreat to the back of the stage. _AAAAH!_

Amity limps to center stage, saying, “Doctor! I think my leg is broken.”

Luz rushes over and inspects her foot closely. “Oh my, it looks like you might need a splint of some sort.”

Amity responds boredly, “No, I think I might need, ahem, a CAST.” She winks at the audience.

Luz stifles a giggle. “My, you sure are taking this tibial fracture well! You must have an extremely high tolerance for pain!”

Amity shrugs. “Eh, it’s nothing.”

“Here, hold on, may I test your pain tolerance some more?”

Luz pretends to punch Amity in the face. Amity doesn’t react. She then says, “Oh, wait, that was a punch.” She pretends to stumble backward. There’s some laughter.

“Interesting, interesting,” Luz remarks with furrowed brows. She jots down notes on an imaginary notepad. “Delayed nervous system reaction...”

Eda shakes her head and buzzes away the scene. _AAAAH!_

She goes stage left and mimes casting out a fishing rod. She waits for a moment. Then the imaginary line gives a jerk. She struggles with the rod for a few seconds, then hauls in Luz.

Eda holds her up by the shirt collar, studying her appraisingly. “Nope, too small,” she says, and tosses her back into the imaginary pond.

Luz laughs as she hits the floor and goes to the buzzer. _AAAAH!_

Luz takes center stage. “Come on, son, let’s play a game of catch!”

King eagerly runs over, pretending to be a young child. “Sure, Dad! I’ll cast this ball at you!” He mimes a throw.

Luz catches the imaginary ball, then remarks, “Wow, son, great use of synonyms!”

“Loft the sphere into my vicinity!” King exclaims. Gus bites back a laugh.

Luz mimes a throw and says, “Your vocabulary is precocious!”

King catches the ball. “I maintain a gargantuan lexicon!”

Eda hits the buzzer again, and Luz and King return to the rear of the stage. _AAAAH!_

She draws a circle in midair. It does nothing, of course, since her magic powers are gone. But she finishes casting the pretend spell and yells, “Perish, vorpal demon!”

King clutches at his heart and falls to the floor. “Oh no! My only weakness! Dying!”

Luz chuckles. “Hey, that’s my line!”

Amity presses the buzzer, then walks to center stage. She mimes pouring something into a container. “As you can see, I am pouring this molten plastic into a mold.”

Luz peers over her shoulder and nods. “Yes. That is definitely what you are doing.”

Amity looks at the audience. “This process is called casting.”

“Indeed it is! Next up on How It’s Made: We take a deep dive into the process of constructing scuba equipment!”

Amity snorts, and the crowd laughs at Luz’s pun. The contestants all join hands once more and bow. “Cast!”

Gus hits the buzzer. “End scene!”

The audience applauds.

Gus announces, “All right, everybody, this next game is called Scenes from a Hat!” The spectators cheer.

He takes a fedora out from under the podium and examines it, musing to himself, “Are fedoras really that bad?” He shrugs and mixes up a stack of folded index cards in it. “Okay, so the audience suggested ideas for scenes, we picked the best ones; actually no, there weren’t any good ones in the first place. We picked the least bad ideas, and our contestants will try and act them out! Scene in!”

Gus rummages around in the hat and draws out a card. “Bad times for the microphone to cut out.”

Luz steps up, mimes holding a microphone, and bursts into her best Whitney Houston impression. “AND IIIII, WILL ALWAYS L–” She stops abruptly.

Gus hits the buzzer as the audience cracks up. _AAAAH!_

Luz steps aside, and Amity takes her place. “I solemnly swear that I will, um, be a good Presi–” She stops talking, but her lips keep moving.

Gus laughs into his sleeve and hits the buzzer. _AAAAH!_

He takes out another card. “What Lilith Clawthorne is thinking right now.”

Eda steps forward, of course. “Gee, I wish I were half as hot as my sister is!” she mocks.

Gus buzzes her away. King steps forward and squints, fumbling around blindly. “Can’t see a dang thing without my ginormous contacts!”

 _AAAAH!_ goes the buzzer. Gus draws out another piece of paper. “Bad things to say while going through a metal detector at an airport.”

Eda steps up and holds her hands up in mock surprise. “I swear, it’s not MY bomb!”

_AAAAH!_

She steps down. Luz takes her place.

“Oh, this is nothing,” she says with a sneer. “You should see what I hid in my carry-on luggage!”

_AAAAH!_

The crowd cheers. Eda mimes pressing a gun into Luz’s back. Luz holds up her hands in surrender and backs off.

Gus takes another card. “Rejected scenes from ‘Scenes from a Hat’.”

King steps up and mimes drawing a slip of paper. “Rejected scenes from ‘Rejected scenes from “Rejected scenes fr–”’”

Gus interrupts him with the buzzer. _AAAAH!_

He draws another card. “Bad things to say to your parents-in-law.”

Eda steps forward. Then she gets down on one knee and feigns taking a ring case from her pocket. Gus buzzes her away.

She steps back, and Amity steps forward. She wrings her hands and winces. “Um. Bad news. I did a DNA test, and it turns out, you’re my biological parents.”

The audience roars. Gus slams his hand down on the buzzer. _AAAAAAAAAHH!!!_

Amity steps back, shaking from suppressed laughter. “I’m sorry!”

“Don’t apologize to me,” says Gus, “apologize to your husband!”

Eda doubles over from laughter.

“I mean brother!” Gus adds.

Amity hides her face in her hands, shaking her head. King elbows her and whispers, “You’re really getting the hang of this!”

Amity composes herself before responding. “It’s not that bad, actually. Not as bad as I thought.”

Gus has drawn another slip of paper. “Acceptance speeches you’ll never hear.”

Luz steps up and speaks in a droning monotone. “I’d like to thank my mom, my dad, my brother, my other brother, the guy who sells corn dogs on the street corner, the barber, the newspaper guy, the…”

_AAAAH!_

Eda steps forward and snatches an imaginary microphone. “LISTEN UP, YOU–” She proceeds to go on a profanity-laden tirade.

Amid his laughter, Gus buzzes her away. “Careful, there are children out there.” He takes one last card from the hat. “Cut scenes from _Good Witch Azura_.”

Luz laughs. She and Amity exchange a look.

King steps forward. “Friendship’s for sissies!” He mimes cocking a bazooka. “THIS is the only friend I need!”

_AAAAH!_

He steps back. Luz motions to Amity, and they both step forward. Luz then dramatically swoons into Amity’s arms. Amity only barely manages to retain enough composure to keep her from falling. Luz sighs, “Oh, Hecate! Our love was never meant to be!”

Amity is in a fugue state. Gus hits the buzzer, and she snaps to attention. She shoves Luz upright and returns to her place, where she stands with her arms folded protectively around her. Her ears are red.

There’s a wolf whistle in the audience amidst the laughter and applause, probably from either Edric or Emira.

Gus composes himself and puts the hat away. “End scene!”

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’d sure like to see those deleted scenes!” Eda says. There’s another wolf whistle from Edric. Amity hides her face in her hands.

Gus shrugs nonchalantly. “I’ve always thought romance was kind of yucky.”

“Believe me, kiddo, it’s more yucky than you think.” A smattering of astonished laughter follows Eda’s quip.

Gus nods. “Okay, this next game is called My Movie. I’m the director, and our four contestants will be pitching me movie titles. If I like that title, we’re gonna say, ‘Let’s hear that pitch!’” He cups his hand around his ear as he says this. “And if I really like it, we’re gonna say, ‘Let’s see that movie!’” He mimes turning the crank on a movie projector. “How ‘bout we practice?”

Gus cups his hand to his ear. Everyone says, “Let’s hear that pitch!”

“Excellent! Make sure you enunciate properly!” he jokes. Then he turns an imaginary crank.

Everyone says, “Let’s see that movie!”

Gus claps his hands together. “Wonderful! Wonderful! Now! Can I get two letters from the audience?”

“GQ!” says someone.

“Okay! GQ! Scene in!” Gus stands up, grabs the buzzer, and points at Luz.

Luz stammers, “Uh, Greater Quesadillas!”

Gus moves on to Eda. She says, “Grandiose Quest!”

He shakes his head and goes to King. “Gargling… uh, Quench!”

Gus chuckles. He cups his hand to his ear. “Let’s hear that pitch!” shouts the audience.

King steps forward and monologues dramatically. “Chaos has struck the desert. The drinks are no more. Thirst can no longer be quenched via direct imbibing of bev–”

Gus interrupts him with the buzzer. “No, no, too avant-garde. I’m looking for something that’ll appeal to a mainstream audience.” He turns to the crowd. “How ‘bout two more letters?”

Amid shouted suggestions, Gus picks “JR”. He points at Amity. “Um. Jumping Rabbits?”

Gus points at Eda. “Jail Rascals.”

He shakes his head, then points at her again. “Uh, Jaywalking Rapscallions?”

He points at her a third time. Eda’s trying not to laugh. “J-Jellybean Roadrunners?”

Gus gives up in disgust and points at Luz. “J… uh, Jeep… Roadsters?” She lets out a chuckle.

Gus points at King again. “Jailhouse Rock!” he exclaims.

Gus sighs. “No, that’s been done. Okay, we’re getting nowhere fast. Two more letters?”

“AB!” Edric yells.

Amity rolls her eyes. Gus, of course, points at her. “Awful… Birthmothers?”

He breaks out laughing. Amid gasps for breath, he goes straight to miming the projector. “Let’s see that movie!” yells the audience.

Luz lies down on the floor, knees up and apart, pretending she’s on a hospital bed. She cries out in mock pain. Amity kneels on one side, Eda on the other.

“You’ve got to push, Susan!” Eda exclaims in frustration.

“Aaaaargh! I’m trying, Doc!” Luz snaps.

“It’s okay, Susan. I’m here,” Amity consoles, taking her hand. “Breathe.”

Luz yells again. Eda strides around to her feet, then inspects her carefully. “My God, you’re awful at this! You’re somehow… pulling?”

Amity almost breaks composure there. Luz, staying masterfully in character, replies, “I’m doing my best, Doc! Tell him I’m doing my best, Judy!”

“S-she’s doing her best–” Amity begins, but then King crawls between Luz’s legs and starts wailing like a baby, and she completely loses it.

 _AAAAAAAAHH!!!_ goes Gus’s buzzer. He’s doubled over from laughter. He hits the buzzer two more times for good measure, then pulls himself upright. The crowd is in hysterics.

Trying to regain his director persona, Gus says, “Okay! Okay! I, I love the execution, but the concept was kind of iffy.”

Amity replies, “It’s not supposed to be an execution, she’s giving birth!” Then she falls sideways onto the stage and curls up in a ball, laughing. Eda bursts out laughing and actually slaps her knee.

The audience settles down after a moment, and Luz helps Amity to her feet. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah,” she replies. “I no longer regret this.”

“All right,” says Gus, “I need one last set of initials.”

Someone yells, “SP!”

“Okay! We’re going with SP!” Gus points at King.

King fumbles for a moment before coming up with “Sumo Practitioners!”

Gus shakes his head and points at Luz. “Uh, Sanitation Pulverizers!”

He moves on to Amity, who’s still struggling to hide her grin. “Salad… Peanuts?”

Gus points at Eda. “Sour Pork!”

He shakes his head and points at Luz again. “Serious Petri Dishes?”

Gus shakes his head. “Too many letters.” He points at Luz a second time.

“Um. Significant Parking?”

Gus cups his hand to his ear. The audience yells, “Let’s hear that pitch!”

Luz steps forward. “Uh, in a world where parking has gone awry… uh, people find parking spots to be significant?”

Gus hits the buzzer, and Luz steps back. “Okay, same initials. King?”

King says, “Speaking Publicly!”

Gus cups his hand around his ear. “Let’s hear that pitch!”

King strikes another dramatic pose. “Esmerelda has a, uh, a speech impediment, but she finds it necessary to give many speeches after being elected to the office of President! This heartwarming underdog story w–”

Gus mimes cranking a projector. The audience yells, “Let’s see that movie!”

Amity sidles to the podium, nudging Gus aside, and wrings her hands nervously. She places her left hand on an imaginary Bible and raises her right hand in the air. “I-I tholemnly thweaw that I w-will pwopewly ekthecute the offith of Pwethident of–” She abruptly stops speaking, but her lips keep moving.

Eda runs over and adjusts an imaginary mic. “Oh no, did the mic cut out?”

Gus laughs and hits the buzzer. _AAAAAAH!_ “I think we have ourselves a winner! Give it up for the cast and crew of _Speaking Publicly_ , everybody! End scene!”

The audience cheers.

Gus composes himself and shoos Amity away from the podium. “Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. See you right after this!”

“Since when are we doing commercials?” asks Luz.

Gus shrugs. “Since we need an excuse to have a chapter break in this fic.”

The contestants exchange bemused glances, and Gus signals for the writer to start a new chapter.


	2. Fill In the Blank, Party Quirks, & Love Connection (Bonus: Narc)

“And we’re back,” announces Gus, “with a new chapter of Hoot’s Line Is It, Anyway?”

The crowd applauds. Gus takes a sip of water.

“If you haven’t already, take a cookie from the back! They’re really good, Eda made them for us, and she assures you all that they’re not poisoned!”

Eda shoots the crowd some finger-guns and a grin.

“Anyway, our nex–” Gus clutches his throat and gags. There’s some laughter.

“Ahem. Our next game is called Fill In the Blank! It’s a two player game; we’ll be having…” He counts on his fingers for a comically long time. He gives the crowd an aside glance. “You might be surprised to know that, because I skipped a couple grades, I never actually learned how to count.”

Luz shakes her head, grinning. “Okay, then let’s start with the basics.” She holds up three fingers. “How many is this?”

Gus stares vacantly. “Uhhhh… eleventeen?”

“Nope.”

He brushes her aside. “Anyway, our two participants will be Eda and Amity! Come on down!”

The two witches make their way downstage. Luz kicks up her feet onto Eda’s empty stool.

“For this game, we’ll also need two volunteers from the audience.”

Edric and Emira’s hands shoot up eagerly. A handful of spectators also raise their hands.

Gus picks two audience members. “You, with the cat ears; and you, with the beak.”

The two spectators make their way onstage. Gus beckons them over. “What are your names?”

The cat-eared girl introduces herself as Gertrude, and the beaked young man introduces himself as Urist.

“All right,” says Gus, “Amity and Eda will be conducting a scene. But, Gertrude, when Eda signals you, and Urist, when Amity signals you, you have to respond with the first word that pops into your head. Got it?”

“Got it,” they respond. Amity ushers Urist stage left, and Gertrude goes stage right.

Gus asks the audience, “Can I get a non-geographic location?”

“Principal Bump’s summer home!” someone yells.

“I said non-geographic,” he retorts, but not without a smile.

“Restaurant!”

“Restaurant it is!” Gus hits the buzzer. “Scene in!”

Eda puts a forkful of something in her mouth and chews contemplatively. “This has to be the worst–” She points at Gertrude.

“Mafia!”

“Mafia meeting we’ve ever had,” Eda finishes, repressing a laugh.

Amity adopts an Italian accent. “It’s a shame we-a had to move-a our base of operations to this-a restaurant, Don Rigatoni.”

Eda nods. “Truly, truly.”

“I can’t believe we lost our–” Amity signals Urist.

“Campfire!”

“–we lost our campfire to those rotten–” She points at him again.

“Uh, pretzel.” He’s trying not to laugh.

Amity has to bite down on her lip. “Pretzel gangsters that-a came over to our campsite last week.”

Eda twirls up a forkful of imaginary spaghetti. “Those despicable Germans. We couldn’t stand up to them, with their–”

“Cthulhu!” Gertrude blurts out.

Eda has to take a moment to compose herself. “Cthulhu. Those Germans and their, their dang eldritch abominations.”

“Would a pretzel be considered an eldritch abomination?” asks Amity. She puts her hand to her mouth, ostensibly wiping it with a napkin.

Eda snickers. “Only if it’s–” She signals Gertrude.

“Dishwasher!”

“Only if, only if it’s made in the dishwasher.” Eda’s biting back laughter. Gertrude isn’t doing quite so well. Neither is Gus. He has to duck behind the podium for a moment.

Amity capitalizes on Eda’s temporary incapacitation. “I didn’t know German dishwashers could-a do that!” She mimes eating something, to stall for time. “We’ll have to retaliate with our–”

“Toothpaste,” says Urist.

“Our toothpaste. The old gods have awful dental hygiene!” Amity shakes her head.

Eda adds, “Or, if it comes to it, we could ask the government for–”

“Pajamas!”

“For pajamas, so,” Eda shakes her head. “Oh my God. So, so they can get to bed on time!”

Amity comments, “The day I have to read Cthulhu  _ Goodnight, Moon _ is the day I, uh…” She points at Urist, unsure of what to say next.

“Catapult!”

“The day I catapult myself into the sun!”

Eda shakes her head, grinning. “I would not-a recommend that. I’d rather you–”

Gertrude manages to sneak in “Applesauce!” between giggles.

Eda facepalms. “I’d rather you eat-a some of Mama’s Homemade Applesauce to, to settle your stomach!”

Amity rolls her eyes. “All right, fine, Don Fettuccine, as you wish. And I’ll wash it down with some–” She points at Urist.

“Dwarves.”

Amity somehow manages to do a spit take without having drunk anything. She curses.

Eda wipes off her dress. “Ah, yes, the Irish dwarves and their healing saliva!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Do you need a towel or something?”

Gus hits the buzzer, grinning widely.  _ AAAAH! _ “End scene! Let’s give it up for Gertrude and Urist!”

The two audience participants bow to the cheering crowd.

Gus exhales and takes a drink of water. “Our next game is called Party Quirks! King, since you’ll be the host, you’re going to have to go outside while we select quirks for your guests.”

King promptly jumps down from his stool and scampers out the front door. Eda and Amity return to their seats. Eda shoves Luz’s legs off of her stool and addresses Amity: “No hard feelings, kiddo.”

Amity just shakes her head, embarrassed.

Gus continues, “Now, King is the host of a party, but his guests are all, erm… peculiar, so to speak. Now, can I get a quirk for Luz?”

Someone yells, “Overly affectionate cat!”

Luz beams. “Works for me!”

Gus says, “How about a quirk for Eda?”

Somebody yells, “Psychopathic Cinderella!” at the same time that someone else yells, “Lesbian Hallmark Christmas movie protagonist!”

Gus stifles a laugh. “Uh, those are both good! Um… how about Eda’s a lesbian Disney princess?”

“Isn’t that just Elsa?” Luz jokes. Eda snorts.

“All right, and a quirk for Amity?”

“A nun with a gun!” suggests someone in the back row.

Gus laughs. “Okay, a nun with a gun! Let’s review!”

He points at Luz. “I’m an overly affectionate cat!” she says.

He points at Eda. “I’m a lesbian Disney princess!”

He points at Amity. “I’m a nun with a gun!”

Gus runs to the front door. He lets King in and claps his hands. “Scene in!”

King scampers on stage and starts fumbling with invisible bowls of salsa and guacamole. “Oh jeez, oh jeez, I thought this party was supposed to be tomorrow! I don’t even know what day of the week it is anymore, let alone what anyone’s name is! And now my fiends – I mean, my friends could be here any minute!” He perks up his head. “Oh, I think that’s one of them now!”

At the cue, Luz knocks on the invisible door to King’s house. The audience laughs. Gus gets back on stage. King rushes over and opens the door.

“Hi!” Luz exclaims. She gets down on all fours and starts rubbing up against him like a cat.

King shoves her aside. “Woah, woah, woah, cut that out!”

Luz says, “Hold on, I brought you something!” She darts outside.

King gives the audience an aside glance. “... Do I know her?”

Eda knocks on the door. King opens it and beckons her inside. She sings, “Someday, my princess will come!” She does a little twirl as she steps over the threshold. “Sup, Bob.”

King nods and fist-bumps her. “Sup.”

“You got any stereo stuff set up? I wanna blast some ‘Girl in Red’.”

Amity chuckles.

King shakes his head. “I don’t have Stripeify, but I’ve got a CD player if you want. Um, I could play some Barenaked Ladies?”

Eda grins. “Oh heck yeah! Let’s do it!”

Luz walks through the door on all fours, her mouth open. She drops something out of it onto the floor in front of King and beams. “I brought you a present!”

King stares at it in disgust. “It’s a…?”

“A mouse!”

“A dead mouse.” He toes it away. “Uh, thanks?”

Luz has gone over to Eda and is rubbing up against her legs. “Hi!”

Eda smiles. “Ah, yes, the animals flock to me.” She gives Luz a scratch on the head. Luz stands up and starts clawing at Eda’s dress. “Hey, hey,” she protests, “not my flannel!”

Amity knocks on the door. King opens it. She steps in, smiles, cocks an AK-47, and says, “Hello, Robert! Have you heard the good news?”

King stares. “Uh… did I invite you?”

Amity laughs. “Of course you did, silly! Thank you, by the way; it’s always nice to get out of the convent for a little while!” She shoulders the gun, steps inside, and goes to the pretend salsa bowls. “Oh hey, is this guac?”

King says distractedly, “Yeah, sure, help yourself.” He kicks the dead mouse off the stage.

Amity goes over to Eda. “Hello, Your Highness!”

“Hey, Sister. What’s with the weapon?”

Amity shrugs. “I don’t know, I guess it could help make people more HOLEY.” She laughs at her own pun. “What are you doing here? I thought you had a kingdom to take care of?”

Eda shrugs. “I dunno, I’m just chilling.”

King walks over, holding an imaginary CD player. “All right, here’s some Barenaked Ladies for you guys!” Eda grins. Amity frowns disapprovingly and levels her assault rifle at the CD player.

King presses the play button. Gus starts softly singing, “It’s been, one week since you looked at me, something something, yah da-da dah dah, five days, she laughed at me…”

Amity slowly lowers her gun. Eda’s smirk fades. “This is not what I was expecting,” she remarks.

Luz rubs up against Amity. “Hey, careful,” Amity says, blushing, “y-your fur’s going to get all over my black clothes!”

King addresses Eda. “So, what sort of kingdom are you in charge of?”

“Well, I’m not really in charge of anything. I’m, uh, more of an heiress.”

King nods. “I see.”

“They’ve made a movie about me, you know. The kids love me!”

King nods again. He goes over to Amity, who’s hesitantly petting Luz’s head. Luz looks blissful. “So, you’re her sister?”

“No, I’m just Sister. I-is she your pet?” Amity asks, talking about Luz.

“Nah, I’m allergic.” At that, King sneezes. “All right, I think I know who everyone is!”

Gus hits the buzzer, and the three girls line up. “Okay, so who’s Luz?”

“She’s a very friendly cat!”

The audience claps, and Luz gives King a thumbs-up. Gus continues, “And who’s Eda?”

King furrows his brow. “A… a lesbian… princess?”

“Close enough,” Eda says. “Disney princess.”

“Ah. And Amity’s a nun.”

“With…?” prompts Gus.

“A nun with a gun!” exclaims King.

“Correct! End scene!”

The crowd applauds King, who takes a bow. “I like that. Nun with a gun. It rhymes.”

Amity breaks into an impromptu freestyle rap. “A nun with a gun, having so much fun, on a run in the sun… okay, I’m done.”

Luz laughs. “Underwater temple, underwater monk!”

Gus grins. He signals to Luz, and she pulls her stool to center stage.

There’s a knock on the door, the actual front door this time. Gus raises his hand for silence. Lilith opens it and says, “We caught a guard from the Emperor’s Coven trying to sneak in!”

Eda asks, “Is he neutralized?”

“Yeah, Hooty’s got him wrapped up. No cause for concern.”

Gus’s eyes light up with an idea. “Hold on, everybody, change of plans! We’re gonna play a quick little game called Narc!”

He runs over to the contestants and whispers instructions in their ears. Eda runs over to Lilith and does the same. Lilith nods and leaves the room.

Gus returns to the podium and addresses the audience. “I have a question for you guys. What do you think? Is that guard outside a narc? Yes or no?”

The overwhelming majority of the spectators yell, “Yes!”

“All right, so he is a narc! Eda, bring in our captive! Scene in!”

Eda opens the door and ushers in Lilith, Hooty, and the guard. Hooty plunks the guard down on the stool at center stage. The cast members, including Lilith, crowd around him, wearing the brightest of smiles.

“Hi!” says Gus with a kindly grin.

“Uh, hi,” the guard responds.

“What’s your name?”

“Uhhh… Steve?”

“Hello, Steve!” Gus clasps his hands together. “We brought you here because we have a question for you!”

When the question isn’t forthcoming, Steve asks, “... And what might that question be?”

Gus smiles, then leans in close. He asks in a stage whisper, “Are you a narc?”

Everybody promptly starts screaming at Steve.

“ARE YOU A NARC?!?”

“TELL US!”

“ARE YOU A NARC OR NOT?!?”

“GIVE US AN ANSWER!”

Mayhem. They continue to yell assorted profanity-laden variants of “ARE YOU A NARC?!?” directly into the guard’s ear canals for a few moments.

When Steve is sufficiently cowed, Gus holds up his hand for silence.

Steve stammers out, “N-no?”

Everybody gives a groan of disappointment and walks away. The crowd boos as Lilith and Hooty forcibly escort the guard outside.

As the door closes, Gus signals to Luz again. She sits on the stool, resting her elbows on her knees. The other contestants, including Gus, scatter throughout the audience and sit in empty chairs.

“Hello, hello,” says Luz in a faux-sultry voice, “and welcome to the Love Connection, the Boiling Isles’s premier call-in radio show for helping you with all your lovely needs! I’m your host, Amanda Hugginkiss–”

Eda snorts.

“–and I’ll be taking calls from the audience on this fine… what’s today?”

“Thursday,” somebody says.

“Ah yes! On this fine Thursday night. Now, who would like to place a call?”

Several hands go up, Eda’s and King’s among them. Luz points to a middle-aged witch in the front row. “Hello, ma’am, you’re on the air.”

“Yes, hi Amanda. I’ve been having a bit of difficulty with my husband. He’s been so, ah, forgetful lately. He’s forgotten to mow the lawn these past three weeks. He forgot to take the dogs out for a walk yesterday. And he forgot my birthday a month ago.”

“Ah, yes, forgetfulness,” Luz muses. “Tricky, tricky. Well, if I might make a suggestion to improve your domestic life, proper training might do him some good. Give him a reminder to perform his chores. Then, if he forgets, give him another ‘reminder’. I’ve always found electroshock therapy to be extremely effective.”

The lady laughs. “Thank you!”

“You’re always welcome. I’ll take another caller?”

Edric and Emira exchange a look, then both raise their hands. Luz selects Eda. “Hello, ma’am, you’re on the air.”

“Hello. I’ve been having some difficulty with one of my ex-boyfriends lately? It seems he misses me. But his aim is getting better!” Eda laughs at her own joke.

Luz laughs good-naturedly. “I think at some point, you’ll have to THROW him out of your life!”

“Perhaps, but I’m sure he won’t take kindly to being EXED off my list!”

“Maybe so, but he has to learn to respect your boundaries, not to CROSS them!”

Eda keeps the ball rolling. “Well, that suggestion sure is DATED, but–”

Luz cuts her off with a wave of her hands. “Okay, okay, no more puns. Thank you for calling! Does anyone else have a question?”

Edric and Emira both raise their hands again. Luz ignores them and points out Gus’s dad. “Hello, sir, you’re on the air.”

“Yes,” Mr. Porter says in his best newscaster voice, “I’m not having any difficulties with my love life, my wife and I love each other very much…”

Gus rolls his eyes.

“...but I’m asking this question on behalf of my young son.”

Gus mutters, “Oh dear God,” and facepalms.

Mr. Porter is wearing a perfect TV grin. “My boy, Augustus – you know him, don’t you?”

“Yes,” says Luz with a smile, “I do.”

“Yes, well, he’s been consorting with plenty of older ladies lately. Not that I mind – I was quite the Casanova in my youth...”

Gus’s ears are red, and his head is between his knees.

Mr. Porter blathers on, well aware of how his son is reacting. “...but I’m worried that I might have to broach a, um, certain subject to him sometime soon. How should I go about this, Miss Hugginkiss?”

Amity’s getting a real kick out of Gus’s embarrassment. She whispers something to Eda, who’s sitting behind her, and they both snicker like preteen boys in health class.

Luz is only slightly taken aback, but she recovers her composure nicely. “Ah, yes, the birds and the bees. Well, if you put him on the line, I’d be quite willing to give him the talk.”

Gus, his face red, interjects, “NO! Don’t you DARE!”

Luz laughs and says, “Very well, Mr. Porter, it looks like you’re on your own for this one. I’ll take another caller?”

Edric and Emira raise their hands as high in the air as they can. Luz elects not to ignore them this time and says, “Yes, the witch with the green hair and the beauty mark?”

Both twins start speaking simultaneously. They pause and glance at each other. Edric yields to his sister.

Emira says, “Hello! I’m asking for a friend of mine. She, ah, she happens to have a crush on one of her friends?”

Amity’s self-satisfied smirk fades.

“You see, she doesn’t want to LUZ the AMITY she has with this friend.”

Luz nods, not understanding. “Ah, so your friend’s worried about being turned down?”

Emira nods. “Yes, yes, this is a matter of SISTERLY concern.”

Amity’s face is beet-red. Gus knows what’s going on by this point. He opts to just sit back and watch the fireworks.

“That I can understand,” says the oblivious Luz with a knowing smile. “An unrequited crush is the worst type of crush.”

“Indeed it is,” adds Emira. “It truly is a BLIGHT on this land.”

“Yeah, that might be an exaggeration, but I get your sentiment. Anyhow, I would advise your friend to just come out and tell her crush her feelings. If her crush feels the same, all the better. If not, then at least she’s gotten that weight off her chest, and hopefully there’ll be no bad air between them.”

Luz blinks. “Sorry, that response was a little less funny than I had hoped. I’ll take one more caller?”

Willow has decided to try and hammer the point into Luz’s thick skull. She raises her hand, and Luz calls on her. “Hello, ma’am, you’re on the air.”

Amity looks on helplessly as Willow says, “Hi, so I have this crush on a girl at my school? I’m afraid of her rejecting me, but I also can’t stop myself from acting like a fool around her. It’s getting ridiculous. Can you help me out?”

Eda has caught on by now, and she kicks Amity’s chair mischievously. Amity gives her a withering look, though it’s belied by her luminescent blush.

“Ah, yes,” Luz nods knowingly, though she probably has zero experience with handling crushes. “Looking foolish around your object of affection. I don’t know, sometimes that can be an awfully difficult thing to control. Like when–”

Dawn breaks over marble-head.

“Wait a second.” Luz’s eyes widen. “WAIT a SECOND.” Her gaze darts between Amity, Emira, and Willow, her expression flabbergasted. “Uh, Amity, do you h–”

Amity has made a mad dash for the podium and the buzzer on it.  _ AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! _

The audience has mostly caught on by this point. The room is filled with “Oooh!”s.

_ AAAAH AAAAAAHHH AAAAAH! _

Gus rushes to the podium. “I, uh, I think that concludes our session of Love Connection. End scene,” he says, trying to bring some semblance of order to the show.

Luz has grabbed Amity by the arm. “I think we need to talk,” she manages, a blush rising to her cheeks.

“A-a-after the show. Not now,” Amity stammers.

As the crowd cheers and Eda and King approach the stage, Gus signals for the writer to end the chapter. “We’ll be back after this quick break!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only imagine what Steve's report back to the Emperor would be like. "Uh... I was just beaten up by a tube and screamed at by a bunch of children."


	3. Hoedown, Hollywood Director, & Objection (& a brief epilogue)

“And we’re back with one more chapter of Hoot’s Line Is It, Anyway?” Gus proclaims. “Make sure to leave kudos if you haven’t already!”

King asks, “What the heck is kudos?”

“Isn’t it a little plastic doohickey you blow into that makes an annoying sound?” suggests Eda.

“No, that’s a kazoo,” Gus corrects. “A kudos is a little button at the bottom of a fanfic on AO3, and if you click it, the author will die for you.”

There’s a moment of confused silence.

“Yeah... I don’t know what that means either. Anyway, let’s get on with our next game: Hoedown!”

Applause. Amity and Luz are standing on opposite sides of the stage, pointedly not looking at each other. Gus takes a sip of water.

“For this game, accompanying us on the pianoconda will be Willow Park!”

Willow stands and gives a shy little wave to the clapping crowd. She walks into the kitchen and fetches sheet music and a pianoconda: what looks like a bunch of snakes somehow fashioned into a keyboard. She sets up her instrument stage right.

“Now!” says Gus. “Who has an idea for what our Hoedown will be about?”

Somebody yells, “Anarcho-capitalism!”

“Arachno-... what?”

Eda holds up her thumb and little finger in the shape of a phone and mouths,  _ Call me _ .

Gus shrugs. “Well, I heard something that sounded like arachnid, which is a fancy term for a spider. So you’ll be singing about spiders tonight! Hit it, Willow! Scene in!”

Willow segues into a bouncy little harmony. Gus starts clapping along to the beat, and the audience joins in.

Eda kicks off the Hoedown in her rough alto:

“I’m not a fan of spiders, I find them awful scary.

“They’ve got too many legs and some of them are way too hairy.

“So when I see one on the wall, I don’t waste time and caper:

“I smash them where they stand with a rolled-up newspaper!”

She punctuates the end of her verse by swatting the air. Luz laughs and nods. After a couple bars of pianoconda, she starts her verse:

“I’ve read a good book series called  _ King of the Rings _ .

“The author’s scared of spiders, among other things.

“When the giant spider Shelob shows up, all the halflings yelp;

“But that’s nothing! Shelob’s just Ungoliant’s whelp!”

The audience’s reaction is one of both revulsion and amusement. A true horror-comedy. Luz shudders involuntarily, grinning.

Eda and Luz do a little jig as King prepares his verse:

“Man, I hate arachnids, they’re just so overrated.

“This Tolkien that you talk about, his work is awful dated.

“Spiders just aren’t frightening, not that I can see.

“If you want scary, just take a look at me!”

He jumps forward and snarls. Rather than elicit a reaction of fright, everyone goes “Awwww!”

“I’ll make you eat those words, I swear it!” King shrieks, shaking his fist.

Willow laughs and stumbles over a couple notes. She regains her fingering and plays another measure. Eda and Luz start a kick line.

Amity begins the final verse, her voice low but sweet:

“Spiders, uh, spiders, God, what else is there to say?

“You guys with all your clever rhymes, you take my breath away!

“Anyway, I’m not worried if this verse gets hate:

“I’m concerned about the prospect of going on a date!”

“Go-ing on a daaaate!” everyone finishes.

Amity blushes and cups her face in her hands. The crowd cheers. Edric and Emira wolf-whistle again.

“End scene!” Gus hits the buzzer. “Well, Amity, is there something you’d like to say to–”

“After!” Amity interrupts his jibe. “After! Not now! Oh jeez, why did I say that?”

Luz is laughing, too, but she seems embarrassed. Eda gives her a pat on the back. “Gotta say,” she snarks, “this has to be the most indirect ask-out I’ve ever witnessed!”

Amity just shakes her head. Willow returns to her seat.

“Okay, moving along!” announces Gus. “This is a game called Hollywood Director, not to be confused with My Movie. I’m the director, obviously, and these idiots –” he gestures to the contestants – “will be the actors in said movie!”

“Hey!” exclaims Luz. “I take offense to that!”

“What, being called an idiot?”

“No, I am an idiot! But I’m sure as heck not an actor!”

Gus shrugs and addresses the audience. “Anyway, what’s this movie going to be about?”

Someone, probably Gertrude, suggests, “Catgirls!”

Gus giggles. “Okay, catgirls it is! Scene in!” He assumes a pompous air and struts out from behind the podium. The contestants stand at attention in front of their stools.

“All right, folks, this is going to be the best dang movie about catgirls anyone’s ever made. And I expect you all to put your best foot forward tonight!”

King puts his right foot in front of him. The others do likewise.

Gus sighs. “Not what I meant, but I appreciate the obedience. Anyhow! We are filming a catfight!”

Edric and Emira wolf-whistle yet again.

Gus’s ears turn red. He addresses the audience: “I couldn’t think of anything better!” He turns back to the contestants. “Uh, Luz! Amity! You’re the combatants!”

Amity is in a state of shock. “I’m sorry, we’re doing WHAT?”

Gus just shakes his head. “Luz and Amity, you’re duking it out for whatever reason. Eda, you’re trying to mediate between them. King, you’re the nefarious villain, and this is all tying into your master plan. Oh, and you’re all catgirls.” He claps his hands together. “Action!”

Eda and King step to the side for the time being. Luz and Amity stare each other down.

“Trespasser!” Luz accuses. “You have ventured into ThunderClan territory!”

Amity’s eyes widen. “Wait, you have Warriors in the human realm, too?” She shakes her head. “Right, staying in character.” She snarls. “Lies! You’re the trespasser!”

Luz is getting all up in Amity’s business. “No, you are! I asked you first!”

“I asked you second!”

Luz pounces on Amity, knocking them both to the floor. Amity lets out a surprised little squeal.

Just then, Eda rushes in. “Hey hey hey! Break it up, you two… cats? Girls? Both?” She yanks Luz up by her shirt collar. Amity sits up and punches Luz full in the nose. She staggers backward.

“Ow ow ow ow! ¡Ay, Dios mío!”

Just then, King saunters in, wringing his hands like a Bond villain. “Ah ha ha ha! Everything is going according to plan!”

Gus frantically waves his arms. “Cut! Cut! I like method acting, but… Luz, are you bleeding?”

Luz pushes him away, holding her nose. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Amity tentatively puts her hand on her shoulder. “Oh jeez, I am so sorry.”

Gus straightens himself up. “Well, your misfortune has given me an idea! You’re going to do the scene again, but this time, like a Rocky movie!”

“We’re still catgirls, right?” asks Eda.

“Yes! Action!”

Luz and Amity circle each other, fists at the ready. Luz throws a couple fake jabs. “A’right, ya bum,” she says in a New York accent, “prepare to pay for stealing my prey!”

“I–” Amity starts to say, but she breaks character and cracks up. “I’m sorry, this is the weirdest mental image!”

Eda steps through the ropes into the ring and shoves the girls apart. “Woah woah woah, why are you boxing? You guys have claws!”

“Great idea!” says Luz. She takes a swipe at Amity’s face. Amity staggers backwards.

“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! NOBODY!” she hollers, and she bum-rushes Luz.

King does an evil laugh and steps to the front of the stage. “As you can see, my plan is going perfectly! They’re fighting, they’re not boxing anymore, and I get–”

“Who are you talking to?” Eda asks. King whirls around.

“Hey! I was monologuing!”

“Cut! Cut!” Gus yells, waving his arms. “That was terrible!”

The contestants look affronted.

“Okay, maybe less terrible than the first one, but, still! Anyway! I think the key to making this a good scene is to add more physicality.”

Edric wolf-whistles again.

Gus glares at him. “Not what I meant! Regardless! I want you all to do the scene again, but you’re all drunk off your heinies! Action!” He claps and steps aside.

Luz staggers toward Amity. “Iiii wanna FIGHT you!” she slurs, swinging her fists carelessly.

Amity chokes back a laugh and spins awkwardly. “I’ll fight all THREE o’ you at ONCE!” She swipes her claws through the air.

Luz falls forward, pinwheeling her arms. She crashes into Amity, who falls backward. “HA!” she yells. “You’re DOWN fer the COUNT!”

Just then, Eda stumbles in. “Stooooop fiiiiiighting!” she slurs, then trips over Luz and faceplants onto the stage.

King totters towards the front of the stage. “They’re drunk! An’ I’m winning! I think! I– AAAAAH!” he yells as he pitches over the edge of the stage. He lands on Willow.

The audience is howling. Gus rushes forward, hollering, “CUUUUUT!!!”

Everyone picks themselves up. King hauls himself back on stage.

“This is the crappiest performance I’ve seen since that documentary about toilets!” Gus rants. “Change of plans! You’re all sleepwalking! Action!”

Luz shuts her eyes and stumbles somewhat near Amity, flailing her arms about. She pretends to snore.

Amity fumbles about, bumping into Luz. She mumbles something incomprehensible. Both girls swat at each other unsuccessfully.

Eda meanders in, bumping into both of them. She lets out a snore that sounds like a chainsaw with a megaphone.

King jumps onto Eda’s shoulders, setting her off-balance for a moment. He curls up and says “Meow!”, then falls asleep.

Gus hits the buzzer.  _ AAAAAAH!!! _ “Perfect! Perfect! A masterpiece! Bravo! You’ll make me so much money! End scene!”

The contestants all open their eyes and form a line. The crowd applauds.

Gus announces, “Last but not least, we’re playing a game called Objection! I’m going to be the moderator for a debate, and our contestants are going to be the debaters! I will sustain or overrule their objections as I see fit.” Gus turns to the audience. “Now, I need a non-controversial topic.”

A girl with a skull for a head yells, “Do M&Ms have human rights?”

“Do… what?” Gus stares at the girl, bewildered. The contestants start to laugh. Gus laughs, too, then says, “All right, I guess that works! We’re debating whether or not M&Ms have human rights! King! You start! Scene in!”

King steps forward and begins to monologue. “Okay, last I checked, M&Ms aren’t sentient. So I’m pretty sure they shouldn’t have h–”

“Objection!” yells Eda. Gus points at her. “You’re not sentient!”

“Sustained!” says Gus.

Eda steps forward and begins to talk. “I can’t guarantee that any of you are sentient, actually, since–”

“Objection!” interrupts Luz. Gus points at her. “I can guarantee that I’m sentient!”

“Sustained! Two minutes remaining!” he warns.

Luz takes the floor. “I, for one, know that I am capable of sentient thought. The rest of you, h–”

Amity and King both yell “Objection!” at the same time. Gus points at Amity. She says, “I can’t guarantee that I’m sentient!”

“Sustained!”

She steps forward and crosses her eyes. “Hurr, hurr durr, duuuhhhh…”

“Objection!” yells Eda. Gus points. “Baby talk is not legally binding!”

“Overruled!” Gus dismisses her.

King raises his hand. “Objection!” Gus points. “Is your mouth swollen or something?”

“Sustained!”

King steps forward. “That seems like a pretty serious speech impediment you’ve got going on. Are you allergic to–”

“OBJECTION!” hollers Eda. Gus points. “I’m allergic to you!”

“Sustained! One minute left!”

Eda takes the floor. “You give me hives! Look, my arms are getting all it–”

“OBJECTION!” yells Luz. “Bees live in hives!”

“Sustained!”

Luz steps forward. “Bees have hexagonal–”

“OBJECTION!” Amity and King yell at the same time. Gus points at King. “Wasps also live in hives!”

“Sustained!”

“Wasps ar–”

“OBJECTION!” yells Luz. “Wasps are just bees but bigger!”

“Sustained! Thirty seconds!”

Luz gesticulates like a madman. “It’s a conspiracy! The government’s trying to–”

“OBJECTION!” yells Eda. “I’m a wasp and I’m not a bee!”

“Sustained!”

“Lies! Preposterous lies! Slander! It–”

“OBJECTION!” hollers Amity, brandishing finger-guns. “I’m from the government and you’re all under arrest!”

“Overruled! Ten seconds left!”

“OBJECTION!” yells King. “I’m both a wasp AND a bee!”

“Sustained!”

“I’m a horrifying cross–”

“OBJECTION!” Eda and Luz yell simultaneously. Gus points at Luz. “I AM BEES!”

“Sustained! You win! End scene!”

Luz holds up her hands in a victory pose. All of the contestants catch their breaths and get the extra giggles out of their system. The audience is cheering uproariously.

“And on that note,” announces Gus, “let’s wrap up this show! A special thank you to King for coming up with the concept, Hooty for hosting us, and Eda for the refreshments! And thank you all for watching Hoot’s Line Is It, Anyway!”

“If you haven’t given us any money yet, please do so!” Eda adds.

The audience continues to cheer. All the cast members take a bow. Then Gus extinguishes the stage lights and flicks on the house lights.

“Excellent job, my boy!” Mr. Porter gives his son a bone-crushing hug. “You were phenomenal up there!”

“Thanks, Dad!” Gus extracts himself from his dad’s embrace.

“I’m sorry about embarrassing you during the Love Connection routine. I just couldn’t resist.”

Gus smiles bashfully. “It’s alright. If I were you, I probably would have done the same thing!”

He looks around the living room. Most of the spectators are taking one last cookie and filing out the door. Lilith and King are chatting semi-amicably. Eda is packing away what parts of the stage she can without magic. Amity and Luz have just disappeared up the stairs. Edric and Emira are hot on their heels, humming a tune that Gus recognizes as “Here Comes the Bride”.

“Great job, Gus!” Willow says, giving him a hug.

“You too! I don’t know if I would have been able to keep playing pianoconda as well as you did with everybody cracking jokes like that!”

Willow smiles. “I really didn’t do that well, I made a couple mistakes.”

“Well, I didn’t notice!”

Mr. Porter says, “Oh, so you’re the Willow I’ve heard so much about! It’s a pleasure to meet you!”

Willow shakes his hand. “You too, Mr. Porter!”

He addresses Gus. “Where’s your other friend, Luz?”

“Upstairs.” He points. He and Willow exchange a look. “Should we…?”

Willow shakes her head. “No, they’ll come down when they’re ready. Let’s leave them be.”

Gus hears a yell outside. They both turn in time to see Edric and Emira sail out of an upstairs window and smash into the ground.

“I rest my case.”

Gus laughs, then his smile fades. “They’re not moving. Are they okay?”

He and Willow run out to check on them. The Blight twins are fine; their only injuries are their bruised prides. “It was totally worth it, though,” Edric comments.

They chat for a while longer. Willow introduces Gus to her parents. Luz and Amity eventually come back downstairs. They’re both smiling. Willow doesn’t press the issue; the twins do, though, and they get an icy glare from Amity for their troubles.

“So,” Gus’s dad asks Eda, “do you plan on doing another show like this?”

Eda shrugs noncommittally. “Probably not, not until I’m no longer a wanted criminal. Which seems unlikely at the moment. But hey, we’ll see what happens. Why, d’you want to participate?”

“No, not really. I was about to ask if I could help promote any other performances, but, in hindsight, that might not be a good idea considering that you’re the most wanted witch on the Boiling Isles.”

“That I am.” Eda smiles.

They exchange a few more pleasantries; then, because it’s definitely past Gus’s bedtime by now, they all help pack up the stage and head home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavens to Betsy, this story was SO much fun to write! I love these characters, and thinking up the different ways they would act and react to an improv game was just so fun!
> 
> At the moment, I don't plan on making a sequel. But if Season 2 rolls around and the tides change enough, I might write another. Probably not, though.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it! (Believe me, I finished it in only 6 days for a reason!)


End file.
